Stuff!!

My poor little sandals :(

Today I came to the realization that I desperately needed to buy new Rainbows (those are a brand of flip flops, if you're unfamiliar with them). My friend, Erin, bought me my first pair for my 17th birthday (4.5 years ago, for those of you keeping track) and I've taken them with me everywhere! They've been to Panama, Guatemala, Belize, Gleanings, San Francisco.....you get the point. I have a lot of memories with those shoes. The reason I didn't buy new ones sooner is, well, they're really expensive (for flip flops) and they mold exactly to your foot and I really didn't want to go through the breaking-in process again if I didn't have to. The only reason I decided today was the day was because I looked at them while I was enjoying the sun in the park and saw that there was at least one layer worn through on the tops and bottoms of both shoes and the top layer of leather isn't really attached to the rest of the shoe anymore on either of them. So...I'm pretty sure they own't make it through another summer.
 But all this got me to thinking: why do I feel so sad to let my old ones go? I mean, it's just a pair of sandals!!! And then I got to

My shiny new ones! :)

thinking about some of my other stuff that I've had for a long time that lots of people replace without a second thought. My water bottle: I bought it the day before my friend Abbie got married, it's also been to Panama, Guatemala, Gleanings, etc., it has stickers on it from places//things I love, there's a little gash on it from falling off the back of my forklift so many times the summer I staffed at Gleanings. There are so many good memories attached to that bottle. When I was in Belize, my sunglasses broke and I threw them away planning to just buy a new pair later that day, or sometime the next day, and once I threw them away I realized how much fun stuff I'd done with them, how I was wearing them in almost all of our Guatemalan/Belizian adventure photos, and how they'd never be in another photo ever again.
I think we get so attached to stuff because those things hold memories for us. I think that we think that if we throw something away, we throw the good memories away too. There's a picture at the house we were at in Panama where Erin's and my rainbows are right next to each other by the back door and you can't really tell them apart. Erin's new sister-in-law ended up taking her rainbows on her honeymoon because she just threw them on (they were right by the door, after all) to go out back for a family photo and forgot to take them off when they went off one their honeymoon. Erin wondered why she couldn't have accidentally taken mine. (True friendship right there!) When I get rid of my old rainbows, I'll no longer have the ones that went everywhere with me, but I'll still have a zillion cool stories from times spent with those shoes. Sentimentality is a weird thing to me. I'm pretty sentimental about stuff (random stuff!!!!!) until one day I get into a purging mood and I throw away/send to Goodwill everything I don't really need. And it's always a process that gets easier the further into it I go: the first hour doesn't usually produce much give away stuff, but upon realizing just how much stuff I'm piling up in my life it gets easier and easier to get rid of stuff. But back to sentimentality! Isn't it odd how people place so much value on stuff? And not even because it's monetarily worth a lot! Like an old, tattered baby blanket, or the box from some valentine's chocolates. All of that stuff becomes worth something in our hearts and then it makes it really hard to let go of it when it's worn out. Well that's how I feel right now about my rainbows. I can't imagine just throwing them away in the trash....but what else can I do with them? It's not like I'm going to put them in my hope chest until I have a place of my own so that I can hang them on the wall. They are the absolute best sandals I've ever worn and I highly recommend getting yourself a pair (if you wear sandals a lot! if you could care less, then go with the 2 for $5 ones from Old Navy). But, alas, into the trash they go. What are some things that you're really sentimental about? Why?

My top books

I've already said I'm a book junkie. I love books! But there are some books that are total winners and others that I could live without. Here's my list of books I couldn't live without (like, if my house were burning down and I could only save a few books, these would be those) and that I think everyone should take the time to read....but first, a caveat: we can totally still be friends if you don't like my favorite books! I know that if you tell me you hate Sherlock Holmes, I'll tell you that you're crazy and ask why we're friends, but in all seriousness I know that people have different tastes in books. Some people don't like books at all. Some people love poetry. Some people are really into romance novels. We can still be friends, we just can't be in book club together.
Also, this list isn't complete. It will grow as I read more great books.

1. The Bible -- cliche, I know, but without it I'd be lost

2. The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis -- how old are you? It doesn't matter! I can't imagine my bookshelf without these gems. And they're just as good in Spanish as they are in English.

3. The Three Musketeers by Alexander Dumas -- you've seen the movies (so many bad renditions!) and you probably had a mini heart attack when you first saw how big the book is, but in my book (pun intended) it's totally worth the read.

4. The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexander Dumas -- again, you've seen the movie (excellent!!!) and you've choked upon seeing the size of the book. But let me just tell you that the book is very different from the movie, you get to see a darker side of Dantes' revenge plot and with so much more detail.

5. The Complete Adventures of Sherlock Holmes by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle -- I mean all of his adventures and all 4 novels! Every time I'd read a new short story I'd be baffled at how Conan Doyle could imagine up such intricate mysteries.

6. Persuasion by Jane Austen -- girly, I know, but in my opinion it's Austen's best book. Here's the thing with her books though: I always have to see her books on screen before I can read them. Normally I'm not a fan of movies made from books I love, but Austen always has so many characters and all of the houses have names and it's really hard to keep everything straight in my head. But seriously, the letter. If you've read it, you know exactly what I'm talking about, if you haven't, it's something to look forward to. ;)

7. One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp -- her writing style is really hard to get used to at first, but I love her message in this book. I highlighted, underlined, copied into my journal, and committed to memory so many of the things she says in this book.

8. Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis -- wow. Sometimes I don't know what he's saying, but most of the time I'm stunned by the simplicity of his words and how they blow my mind. Only problem is I can't highlight every other sentence because then it'll seem like nothing was all that special, or in the words of the great super villain, Syndrome: "when everyone's special, no one will be."

9. Out of the Silent Planet trilogy by C.S. Lewis -- not nearly as popular as the Chronicles of Narnia (by which I mean, most people probably haven't heard of this trilogy), but such a great little sci-fi story. Let me just warn you now: the bulk of the third book (That Hideous Strength) is BORING!! But the ending is sooooo good that it makes it all worth it. But seriously, it's just academics talking and talking and talking the way that academics do, but if you do choose to pick up this trio, please don't be discouraged by that, you can totally make it to the end!

10. A Little Princess by Frances Hodgson Burnett -- my favorite movie before The Princess Bride took its spot. I didn't know it was a book until about a year ago when I found it at a used bookstore in Guatemala. I loved it so much because it was like reading along as the movie played in my head. I could picture everything so vividly, yet the book still had a few curve balls to throw my way.

11. The Princess Bride by William Goldman -- If you love the movie, you'll love the book even more because you can almost watch the movie playing in your head as you read (Goldman also wrote the screenplay for the movie) and yet there are back stories and some events that never made it to the movie....so it's like everything you loved from the movie, plus some.

12. The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini -- This is the most heartbreaking book I've ever read. It made me cry more than any other book has, but I couldn't bear to put it down. The way that Hosseini paints a picture with words it's like you're watching the story happen as you read. It's a beautiful book and it will break your heart and put it back together, only to break it again. I never want to see the movie based on this book, but the story is so beautiful and feels so real.

13. A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini -- Again, heartbreaking, yet so incredibly beautiful. Hosseini may be one of my new favorite authors. His style is perfection.

The Word of the Lord (Thanks be to God!!)

I've been having a really tough time getting back into the habit of daily quiet times with God. I'll be honest: I'm doing well if I've done 2 or 3 in a week...some weeks I'm stoked if I get 1. The worst part is that there is absolutely NOTHING stopping me from doing it every single day. I'm just really good at completely forgetting to do it, or remembering to do it but only once I'm really cozy watching something on Netflix and I convince myself that I'll be no good to God in my current lazy state....like He won't be able to speak anything into my heart because I'm too pooped to hear it. Or sometimes I just don't want to do it because I know there's gunk in my heart and I tell myself that if I don't come before God, I won't have to face it and maybe He won't even notice. Or sometimes I feel like I have to do it, not like I want to, because I'm a youth group leader, I attend Bible study and church every week, and if I'm going to label myself as "Christian" I'd better be doing something differently. But here's the thing about things I have to do.....I don't want to do them. It's like cleaning my room: I don't want to because I have to. But if I'm at my brother's house and see that he has a lot of dirty dishes and I don't foresee him having sufficient time or energy to get them clean, I'm more than happy to wash them for him. I guess I'm weird that way.
So here's how I've (hopefully) tricked myself into getting back into the swing of things: I love books! Really, you should see my bookshelf. It's not that I have millions of books, it's just that I have such a wide selection....and that I haven't read a lot of them. I haven't read them because I buy them faster than I can read them and then just when I'm about to get to one that I bought, someone buys me one that sounds more interesting so I start on that one, or I get a good one from the library and tell myself that I can read the ones I own anytime and I only have the one from the library for 3 weeks. So basically, new books = new excitement. So this morning I marched myself over to the Bible bookstore and bought a new devotional. It's by Beth Moore (I always hear great things about her), and I'm excited. It's a year long one about breaking free. I told myself I'd start tomorrow morning, but we all know what that means, so I started today while I had some cookies in the oven. Here's today's devo:

I will say to the Lord, "My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust." Psalm 91:2

Life's way of reacting to a crushed, broken heart is to wrap tough

sinews of flesh around it and tempt us to promise we'll never

let ourselves get hurt again.

But that's not God's way. Self-made fortresses not only keep love from going out;

they keep love from coming in. And He knows we risk becoming captives

in our own protective fortresses.

Only God can put the pieces of our heart back together again,

close up all the wounds, and bind it with a 

porous bandage that protects the heart from infection

but keeps it free to inhale and exhale love.

Ha! I read that and can only think that Beth Moore has been spying on me for the past 8 years of my life. In fact, I remember a conversation I had with a good friend a few years ago where I said something like, "people in my life kept letting me down, so I learned to stop expecting anything from anyone, that way I'm not disappointed when they don't come through." I can't imagine what I would say if a 16 year-old girl told me that now. My heart would break for her, I think....but I wouldn't know how to give her advice because I'm still not completely out of that boat. This is why daily devos are hard for me to stick with: they don't usually give me warm-fuzzies about God and His plan for me, they usually show me some yucky part of my heart that I haven't fully given over to God yet. I don't like yucky parts of my heart. 

So that's my plan to get myself to start spending time with God everyday again: I bought a new book, I had a love/hate relationship with the first page I read, and now I'm putting it out in public that this is my goal. I think we're more likely to follow through with things if people know our goals....that's why I don't really tell people about my goals, because then it means I either have to do something or I'm full of empty words. 

A(nother) winter trip to the midwest

I went with my brother, Steve, last week to Missouri Valley, IA to visit our grandparents. Somehow we always manage to make the trip in the winter and find ourselves wondering why we don't come when it's at least warm enough to walk from the house to the car without feeling like your nose is going to freeze and fall off your face. But that's beside the point. We always try to visit our grandparents about once a year, especially since their health has been deteriorating more rapidly. They are staying in a nursing home where they have excellent care (and I hear the food's not too bad either), and up until about 2 weeks ago they were in a room together which they referred to as their apartment. My grandma, though, had to be moved to Memory Lane for more constant/specialized care. Her wing of the nursing home is just a short walk down the hall from Grandpa's room and he makes the trip down there multiple times a day to see her. 

Grandma spends the majority of her days sleeping in a recliner in the common room of her wing. When she's awake she still seems extremely cloudy in her mind. Conversing with her is no longer a real possibility, as one is lucky to get one or two sentences out of her that make any sense. She usually just stares off into nothing or babbles with words that make no sense together. Her vision is nearly non-existent. She needs help to stand, use the bathroom, and eat. Seeing her like this was one of the hardest things I've done in a long time; memories of my childhood with her and Grandpa filled my mind, memories of playing Scrabble and Chinese checkers, having Bible stories read to me, working in the garden, singing, cooking (especially those pancakes with rubber rings!), pulling pranks on one or the other. I had a truly blessed childhood with the greatest grandparents anyone could ever ask for!

Steve played his mandolin often

Grandpa is, understandably, a bit lost. He no longer lives with his wife of over 60 years and doesn't quite know what to do with himself. Physically I think he's doing pretty well. Mentally.....his memory is failing him quite terribly. As expected, he often asked us the same questions over and over again: how old are you now? How tall are you getting to be? What day are you leaving? Did you fly here? How long was the flight? Is it cold out today? But those questions, while a little trying after the 6th or 7th time being asked, are a welcome part of getting to spend time with him. The part that breaks your heart every time is when he thinks that Grandma is in the hospital and she'll maybe be better by next week, when he's mad at the nursing home and doctors for not letting Grandma live with him because he said "til' death do us part" not "til' nursing home do us part," when he tells you he doesn't eat or sleep much because he's worried about Grandma, and the worst: when he's near to tears because he's not sure Grandma knows who he is. He still preaches at the nursing home church service every Sunday, he still has good jokes and loves to have a laugh (and some doughnuts) with you, he's still the most generous man I've ever known, and for that I am so grateful to our wonderful God.

Despite how difficult it was to see them so much worse than they were just a year ago, I consider myself the second richest woman in the world (my grandma is the richest, of course!). I got to spend a week with two of the people in my life who I have the fondest memories with, who I've learned so so so so so much from. I got to see them sing together again, even though neither of them remember all the words to those old hymns anymore. My grandma called me Lisa-deese one day when we came and I knew she knew me, even if she couldn't see me. I got to see what over 60 years of marriage looks like, watching my grandpa walk over and kiss my grandma on the forehead, tell her that he loves her, and then just sit there holding her hand while she sleeps. I got to tell both of my grandparents that I love them before I left; if anything ever happens to them I won't have to fret about my last words to them. I have truly been blessed in my life.

Sarah's daughter, Maddie, playing with Grandpa

Lunch with Helen, Lyle, Steve, me, Grandpa, Janice, and Bruce

On top of the wonderful chance to spend time with my grandparents, we were hosted by our aunt, Janice, and her amazing husband, Bruce. I'm not kidding, they're the best hosts ever!!! Getting to hang out with them is always a big highlight of going over there. We had the chance to go to Omaha just to walk around in the beautiful sunshine on Sunday (65 degrees!!!!! But all the other days were cold), we ate amazing food, cracked jokes, got pedicures (well, only Aunt Janice and I did that), and just chilled at home. On top of great times with them, we got to spend some time with Sarah and Maddie, Lyle, and my good friend Matt, who I met in Guatemala (we both agreed it's a little weird to hang out state-side). I don't know if I want to eat out for quite a while now, but it was wonderful to spend time with people we love. We were so blessed to have the opportunity to visit our grandparents again, even though they've seen much better days, they too were blessed by our visit. I can't imagine what my life would have been like without them and I still don't know why God chose me as the person He'd give the best grandparents ever to.   

Sometimes I think Steve slept more than the old people

Grandpa & Maddie

Walking down to see Grandma

Grandma & Maddie

60 years of love

Me and Grandpa

Life as usual?/La vida como costumbre?

I’ve been home for a little over a month now. When I first got home, I thought it was really weird how quickly I adjusted to being back, how it felt like I’d never left. It made me sad to think that 11 months in a completely different country (so...not Canada) hadn’t really changed me at all. What I mean is, I felt the same as before I’d left; I never forgot that I was back in the states and needed to drive accordingly, I never accidentally answered the phone in Spanish, I never accidentally put the toilet paper in the trash can (ok, I did it once)....I don’t know how to explain it. I just felt like Guatemala never happened because everything here seemed exactly the same and I got right back into my old routines with [almost] no trouble. Well today I realized something. Something that made me really happy and sad at the same time. I saw a car that looked just like one of my co-workers’ from the Academy and thought, for a second, that it might be her. Then I saw someone walking on the sidewalk and, again, for a second, thought it was one of my students. I realized that being in Xela really did change the way I think. In Xela, if you saw a car that looked like the car of someone you knew, it was probably them. And if you saw someone walking down the street that looked like someone you knew, it was probably them. In Xela I was always running into people that I knew or seeing them pass by in their cars. (You can ask my mom, I ran into 3 people I knew in the span of 10 minutes one day). In Tacoma you sometimes run into people you know, and it’s like this cool coincidence, but in Xela it happens all the time and I found that I have now come to expect to run into people I know. I love that! Xela changed me!!!! But it also made me sad, again realizing that there’s a possibility that I’ll never go back there. But let’s not focus on that! So there I was, disappointed that I didn’t go through culture shock (neither when I went to Guatemala, nor when I came back to the States), and never even really had slip ups where I thought I was in the other place. But now I know, my year in Guatemala will always go with me everywhere I go. It’s made its mark. :)

He estado en casa por un poco más que un mes ahora. Cuando llegué, pensé que fue muy extraño cómo me acostumbré bien rápido a estar aquí de nuevo, me sentí como si nunca hubiera salido. Me puso triste pensar que los 11 meses en un país completamente diferente (bueno….no Canadá) no me hubo cambiado mucho. Lo que trato de decir es que me sentí lo mismo como antes de ir a Guatemala. Nunca olvidé que estaba de nuevo en los EE.UU y que tenía que manejar así, nunca contesté el teléfono en Español por accidente, nunca tiré el papel del baño en el basurero (bueno, lo hice una vez)....no sé cómo explicarlo. Solo me sentí como nunca fui a Guatemala porque todo aquí parecía exactamente lo mismo como antes y me acostumbré a mis rutinas regulares (casi) sin ninguna problema. Pues, hoy me di cuenta de algo. Algo que me puso muy feliz y triste al mismo tiempo. Vi a un carro que miró como el carro de un compañero de trabajo de la Academia y pensé, por un segundito, que tal vez fuera ella. Después, vi a una persona caminando y, otra vez, por un segundito, pensé que tal vez fuera una de mis estudiantes. Me di cuenta que estar en Xela me cambió la manera en cómo pienso. En Xela, si ves a un carro que parece al carro de alguien que conoces, probablemente es esa persona. Y si ves a alguien caminando por la calle que parece a alguien que conoces, probablemente es esa persona. En Xela siempre encontraba yo con personas que conocía o veía yo a gente que conocía en sus carros pasándome. (Puedes preguntar a mi mamá, un día encontré a tres personas que conocía yo en diez minutos). En Tacoma a veces encuentras a gente que conoces, y cuando pasa eso es una buena coincidencia, pero en Xela eso pasa siempre y me di cuenta que ahora espero encontrar alguien que conozco. Me encanta eso! Xela me cambió!!!! Pero también me puso triste, me di cuenta de nuevo que hay la posibilidad que nunca regresaré a Xela. Pero no nos enfoquemos en eso! Pues, ahí estaba yo, decepcionada que no tuve choque cultural (ni cuando fui a Guatemala ni cuando regresé a los EE.UU), y casi nunca me confundí con el lugar en donde estuve. Pero ahora yo sé que el año que pasé en Guatemala siempre va conmigo. Me afectó. :)