I've got a confession to make: I haven't been spending the time with God that I should be. I know, I know, who does? But as I look back on the last few years of my life, specifically from when I started going to real school (hahaha! Homeschooling totally counts as real school, but TCC and UW count as really real school since I actually had to leave the house and follow a set schedule), I've always tried to make time every day for a quiet time. A lot of times that meant getting up 30 minutes earlier every morning so that I could get into the word before I really started my day. Or during my summers at camp I made a conscious effort to spend some time with God everyday (I know, you're thinking, "Lisa, you were at a Christian camp....it's about God." but it's surprisingly kind of hard to make time for God sometimes, even at a Christian camp), even if that meant rocking out to some worship tunes while making a million and ten cookies for the campers.
When I first arrived in Xela I made it a priority to find a church. Before I even arrived, I asked some local missionaries about a church with English services and then I sought that church out 2 days after I got here. I continued getting up a half hour earlier than I really needed to so that I could start my day off with some God time. But then something happened....I don't really know what exactly though. I started working and, at first, I was still getting up and doing my daily devos. But my mornings started getting earlier and that extra 30 minutes of sleep was sounding better and better. I started working on Sundays...like all day on Sundays. So attending church got really difficult. And now I find myself 41 days into a 90-day devotional that I brought back with me from the states at the end of March.
Funny. Today's devo was about self-image (I'm reading the devotional Pure by Rebecca St James). She says, "Delighting in who God made us to be is hard.......We must try to build our self-image around what God thinks of us. This requires spending time with Him regularly to allow Him to fill us with His love." Then I read 2 Timothy. In 1 & 2 Timothy Paul reminds Timothy how important it is to be always in the scriptures, to know the teachings so that he wouldn't get led astray and so that he could help others not be led astray, so that false teachings wouldn't get hold of him or the rest of the church body. How is it that there are reminders everywhere for me to spend time with God daily and yet I'm only 41 days into a 90-day devotional that I've had for over 5 months? Today I find myself in a place where I've only been thanking God for great things and asking for help with hard things. I want to be in a place where God is a major part of everything I do. I've been there before.
Today I looked at the last few months of my life. I've spent an average of 2 hours every weekday at the gym, even with an occasionally crazy work schedule. I've watched a lot of Netflix. I've almost read the whole Chronicles of Narnia series in Spanish. I've read 3 other books in their entirety in Spanish. And I've read 41 days of my 90-day devotional. Something is wrong here.
I wrote this prayer in my journal today and I want to share it with you because if I tell you about it then I have more push to remember it.
I know I suck at consistently spending time with You.
I know You warn me about stuff and I ignore You.
I know You are always right next to me, just waiting for me to face You and invite You into my day.
Today I invite You into everything I do.
Today I'm facing You and asking you to continue speaking to me,
to continue pulling on my heart,
and to continue loving & protecting me.
Today I'm asking You to forgive the things I've done and the things I've left undone,
to forgive who I've been and what I am and guide who I will be.
Today I place myself in Your hands.
Tomorrow is another day.
Today I pray that You would place on my heart to do the same tomorrow.
May everyday of my life be a fresh commitment to You.
Thank You for being You.
Today I realized (probably for the millionth time) that I'm just waiting for the day when God gives up on me. The day when He says, "Lisa, I've been pursuing you for a long time. I'm tired and I'm done." But that's not how God rolls. I have journals with pages filled with the words of songs and verses that remind me of this, and yet for some reason it never quite sticks. I keep finding myself in this place of waiting for Him to say, "Peace out. Nice knowing you."
So here's the request that I have for you: pretty please pray for me. Pray that I will always feel that my day is lacking something essential when I don't spend time with God. Pray that I will be able to rest in His faithfulness, not spend my time questioning it.
This morning I woke up with this song stuck in my head. I would love for this to be my prayer every day.
